Hidden Emotions: The Epicentre of Bad Behaviours

 If you have engaged in years of avoidance, regardless of method, you will find yourself in a state of arrested development when it comes to the emotions, in other words you will have a low emotional IQ and respond to most emotional crisis in a destructive way. The most common term for this is not a great one, acting out. What does this mean exactly? It is the state of living a group of behaviours that don’t reflect who you are, your values or your beliefs about who you are. Mostly this will bring conflict into your life along with failed relationships and over time, a lack of faith in yourself.

If these behaviours are to be addressed it is vital to understand what emotion is driving them, then and only then do you have a chance of overcoming a lack of self-awareness. We could go into all sorts of gobbledygook, I am very capable of doing that, but, I disagree with most of it, due to the reality that for the most part, psychology has a terrible record and is based on something so simple it is staggeringly obvious that a good friend or some self-knowledge for most, will get the job done cheaply and efficiently. There is one thing required however, whether you get assistance or not, if you are to bring yourself into a world dominated by who you are and not what you try to avoid. That is honesty, where there is denial you can never get a purchase on the story, you will continue to read the lines of an outdated script until you are prepared to get honest with yourself. This offers some cringing moments if you have not been a particularly nice person and even more so if you have been telling yourself or others that you are a nice guy, however you would not be exploring issues on a regular basis if you were not a person aware that your problems stem from you. Until you are aware of this any method of healing you seek out will be based on what others can do for you.

The following are clues to what is driving you, there are a  few so not all will relate to you but if one or more does, take the time to explore yourself if transforming your life is what you are about.

Being transactional in relationships with others and life is an indication of the early stages of childhood development, it has no place in adulthood. This is the state of someone or life in general owing you something and using others to make large or small gains while feeling justified in this. One of the harder things to overcome because in feeling justified you will always blame others when things don’t go well.  Being transformational is an indication of understanding yourself and who you need to be to live the life you fit into best, that is the life and behaviours that match who you are inside.

 This is the state of accepting responsibility, stretching yourself to stay on track with your desires and allowing that you have a role in your relationships. In short it is not for someone to give you things, their time or energy to make you happy. It is for you to be the person you say you are, to be the person you think you are, and be the person you know yourself to be. If you find yourself making lots of excuses on a regular basis or begin relationships by telling everyone what you can’t do, you are being transactional. If you are not honest about the nature of your relationships and are often `explaining away’ circumstances or representing yourself in different ways to different people in your life, you are being transactional Emotions are often hidden under the behaviours so behaviour is a fairly accurate guide to what is going on, if you can identify the emotions you can also find a way to describe in your mind or to another, what is going on. When acting out has become the norm it is easy to fall into the trap of letting behaviours speak your feelings, mostly this will be destructive and, lets not wander around the edges of this, immature. If you have often been called immature it is not a reference to some cutesy childlike quality, it is an indication that you are shallow as all children are due to a lack of experience and character development.  As always any behaviours that are short term due to circumstances are not an issue, although it is wise to determine if your behaviours are appropriate, long term consistent behaviours in an essentially damaged life are what we are addressing.

We are generally not judged for who we are, but the strength and weakness of character we display. It may be tempting to say accept me as I am, but the question becomes, who are you? Every person I have met, at some point decides who they want around them and who they do not. This is exercising judgment in the appropriate way. The tendency is to find likeminded people which does not mean people who agree, but people who carry the same values. If you dislike dishonesty yet you spend much of your time around people who are dishonest, it is time for you to take a good look at yourself and at your own values. If you judge those around you or feel superior to them, you may find that they are just expressing character weaknesses that you yourself possess.  Letting your behaviours be a guide to your emotions is a great way to set in motion character development. As Lao Tsu advised,

“Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habit. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.”

Many people say they just don’t know how to ask for help because they are too independent, the truth here, is that for the most part they just don’t want to deal with themselves and by not asking for help they don’t have to admit their role in the experience they have created. Please note the transactional character trait will, up to now, have expected others to fix things, there's some bad news for you, it’s never going to happen that way. You won’t stop crying inside until you exercise will over your self, until you find the depth within yourself to curb the behaviours that cover the feelings that just never go away because you haven’t identified them and dealt with them. In the end being an emotional cripple is not a state of victimhood but becomes a state of laziness. (Phew, send the hate mail here..)

Time really doesn’t heal, it gives you a period of mourning, then a time comes when you need to exert will over your thoughts and feelings. Until that is done you will be a shallow person living a shallow existences. Why are you reading this? Because you don’t like yourself very much. Why am I saying these things? Because you need to know why, and until you do, life will continue to suck.

Depth of character is gained through self-discovery the greater your understanding of self the greater your understanding of others. Is living a hurtful or hateful life really who you are? Not all the statements will apply to you in all areas of your life, but if they do, it is time to put your adult panties on and sort things out. Don’t tell yourself that you will fall in love and everything will be all right or that you will be saved, that is transactional. Don’t tell yourself you just need more time, that is maintaining the circumstance of self pity. You have had time, ask yourself: what did you do with it? If you got this far, well done, I am very aware of the `in your face’ nature of this article.

If you identify any or more of the behaviours below just acknowledge them and give yourself time to really explore. Remember these are only guide lines, but they are good ones, having more hits than misses. If you find yourself feeling dismissive, relax put it away and read it again in a day or two, or when you stop being angry about it, ask why it would bother you, or indeed why anything bothers you? Until you ask yourself these questions you will not be in control of who you are, what you think and how you feel. Ask yourself questions listen for the answers, even if they take a bit of time. Years of denial are hard to overcome but truly listening to yourself will always give you an opportunity to see or experience the answers in a matter of days, if not immediately. Sometimes the answer will come as an unbidden memory or dream.

When did this feeling start?

How did I get this way?

How did I manage to maintain it for all these years?

What can I do about it now? (As in right now and going forward)

·                If ....

•    you laugh too much even at stupid things you may be lonely inside  
•     you speak less but speak quickly, you may keep secrets that you shouldn’t be keeping 
•     you sleep a lot, sadness is likely a constant companion  
•     you can’t cry, you are made weak by avoiding your own feelings
•    you in an abnormal manner (extreme fussiness, excessive over eating or not eating), tension and seeking attention is an issue    
•     you cry over little things you are innocent or naive
•     you become angry over small things and feel unloved or unlovable

It's a fine line we travel when we don't understand ourselves it makes it nearly impossible for another to know who we are, and if they should see us, and if they should love what they see, the path forward is fraught with the obstacles of behaviours that will surely bring us down.